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1. |
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O gracious ghost, I hear you, I’m ready for your shivering hands
O numbness, wash me, I feel everything again, again
I pray to hypothetical hospitals, you watch me turn red and green
I’m spy vs spy, I’m invitations to voyeuristic daytime tv
Just throw me hogtied into back seats
And hold my mouth to cloth and leather
Me and myself make fucking plans of insurgency
And fucking suicide pacts together
I can’t trust faces, I trust the colors
That swirl my head with gorgeous thoughts
They promise me no one would find me if I did it right now
They promise me it’s what I want
Fuck a generation, just save me
Take from me all the things I hate
I’ll drown before the stubby hands
Move me from grass to dinner plates
I’m fucking unprofessional
I’m sleeping in til 6 o’clock
I see foundation as a threat
I see the gun, the golden god
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I’m fucking glacial, melting away the layers of flesh, defenseless
To evolution of vileness, inward and outward projection
Ive dreamed of every ending, fell in love with the ones that seemed the most painless
Dew drop stained and molded to make
This low bar presentable, defeated and faceless
When I die and I’m in hell will you come and find me?
Will you hold my hand and let us be somewhere alone?
Have I ever told you I paint portraits of your face, glistened with sunlight
On every jagged gravel floor that I’ve made my home?
I’m sweating buckets, rescue me, refill me with your best resentment
Help me make memories to despise, regret all conversation
I know you fucking hate me, I hate you more than I could ever say
I’m all projection of paranoia, I am melted paintings turning gray
And when I fall and I quit breathing will you take my body
This cold sweat soaked mass, lay me down by the rivers edge
Lay me underneath your favorite tree and tell me every memory
You’ve made to keep me warm till my journeys end
And when you decide that you can’t keep on sinking with me
And you untether yourself from the needles that bind our legs
I won’t blame you, I won’t tell you I don’t love you I’ll always love you
Your upward slanted lips will leak last from my open head
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3. |
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I was born unto a war that had no stop or end
A cowboy President, a disgusting nations closest friend
I learned that boys were sent to die before I dressed myself
I learned that bombs were dropped before I learned to speak and spell
I blossomed unto surveillance and computer drone killing machines
Soft spoken president, a disgusting nations “forgetting things”
Over 1,000 Iraqi civilians murdered within in an eight year term
I learned that murder was pride before I even knew the word
My friends all signed up, shipped to foreign shores on adrenaline
A booming arrogance that’s bolstered from youthful reddened grins
They never came home how they left
With brand new cars and pride for vengeance
I grew the will to die unto a violent democracy
A system set in place to only kill people who were just like me
Hungry, cold or fed and dressed
It didn’t matter in the end
I met your scapegoats at the supermarket and intersections
A talk show president told me to stalk and violate them
I watched the hunger in his eyes, I saw the fear inside
The people who just wanted to stay alive
My friends all asked me what it is that makes me hate this place
This failure, stain of history, brutal, spiteful untied states
I wanted the fear I saw the strangers feel to be felt for just a moment
By boring fucking presidents,
I bloomed in the absolute fucking hate
I want all 50 states to glow red
I’d love the planet to get what it needs
No more hunger, no more yearning, no more calling out for decency
I just want my friends to get some sleep
I want the country to collapse to be reborn again
To stray from sending boys and girls in ill fit clothes and weapons
To spread a pseudo democracy to a door that stayed locked before them
I want America to end
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4. |
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I’m brandishing stomach acid and bile
In a bouquet of coned loose leaf note
My stomach groans like weakened hardwood
A drunken seat occupier with a need to impose
I’ve longed like widows peak eyes to be riddled with holes
Relieved of pressure, like metal, sharp and rigid in space
Taking up these empty clothes, a pretender
Masquerades with sunk chest and sallow face
It’s not life and death, baby, it’s just calculable loss
A chance at bat denied, a force of teeth to the rock
I’ve never known steady breathing, I’m just talking to talk
Like a strangers dream bleating on and on (ooh baby, let’s go)
Some day, will come my prince
To kiss me hard with thin razored lips
And I will wake to shock, then to knowing
Then to absolute mitigation
I want the buildings to leave my eyes
As if tattooed in crude, blown out lines
With a Donnievian angst, with a typewrit “feelin’ fine”
I expunge myself of my insides
Crystallized mass in my sourest cries
Chrysanthemums glaze my fucking jaundiced eyes
What I’d give to pretend that these lines are inspired
But there’s nothing where nothing breathes nothing
(Hey hey hey hey)
Just dumb it down for me
I’m fucking Dracula baby with the plastic teeth
Biting at heels from my throne of the shit in the street
Immobilized by my love for failure in heat
(Hey hey)
Just shrug me off, complete
I’m only harboring shame, fear, guilt and disease
This rotting jaw spreads nothing, only selfish retreat
With all your might and mercy, treat me like the bug delivered hell by your feet
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5. |
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I hesitate to ask if you've noticed my rapid deterioration
Mountains crumble on city streets, the pavement begs for the simplest persuasion
I'm bored of talk show hosts that tell me that heaven is promised to me
I walk past bodies strung to lamp posts, rocks in pockets, to the bottom of the sea
The floor is lava like a children's game in a horrid reality
I see empty houses and empty mouths in mutuality
Fuck growing up, fuck steady breath, fuck all of your fear of devastation
I'm so desperate for a lack of inspiration
I like to hear about when I.C.E agents die
Things are looking up when an officers down
If the United States were to crumble today, a ghastly empires fall
I'd throw a party you could hear all the way across town
Nobody ever tells me anything
I talk to carpet floors and concrete walls, its all the same
The door stays shut and I'm too scared to see what's on the other side
I know that hell fucking awaits
I'm caught somewhere in the middle of loving and despising everything
I hear these jokes about progress but don't see a single thing fucking changing
The year went by so fast I didn't get the chance to be happy
Is anybody happy? I can't keep pretending
I like to hear about the timeline of a country's full collapse
It gives me hope that America will die
I spend my time asleep, a virtual reality
Somewhere this vile nation isn't allowed to survive
I go unnoticed
I go without
I go on hungry
With an open mouth
I stopped believing
That God's really there
I just wanna be happy
I don't wanna fight fair
anymore.
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6. |
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Just take me down
To the factory
Mold me to be something of use
Here finally
Something that dances
Something that sings
Something the boys could see themselves with in their dreams
Take me in your nose
Breath me out with steam
I want your arms, I want your shoulder
Wanna see your teeth
I’m fucking angry
I hate all I see
I feel like dying
7 days a week
I grew up hungry
And I stuck around
In this million acre cult
Green prophet found
I watched friends and strangers
Die at the hands
Of the gatekeepers
On the payroll of rotating men
There’s class division
Baby don’t I know
And I’m one of the lucky ones
Who sleeps inside a home
I eat every day
I piss and moan
I cry for hours on the carpet
In my room
Do you feel fucking worthless
Baby like I do?
From this fucking country
From the loss of you
From these waking daydreams
Of my dangling legs
A simple note attached to my shirt
That says “I can’t pretend”
Do you feel tired?
Do you hate it all?
Is your only dream to see this
Evil nation fall?
Well, buy me a drink here
And I’ll down it quick
The world is spinning
And I’m getting fuckin sick
Just paint the barn with me
I cant find energy to sleep
The flag outside keeps waving
How could we let this happen?
I didn’t even blink
The walls are covered with my insides
Do I still wanna kick to stay alive?
Is anyone up for the good fight?
Is it bound to happen?
My father told me once in a dream
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the is a record I wrote between, I think like the end of December 2021 to I think March of 2022. its about everything I love and everything I hate and everything that fucking kills me and everything that makes me wanna stay alive. Oh, also everything is a Simpsons reference.
"Can I Borrow A Feeling?
Can I borrow a feeling?
Could you send me a jar of love?
Hurtin' hearts need some healin'
Take my hand with your glove of love!"
- Kirk Van Houten
