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Cigarette Breath + Cigarette Clothes

by Seethruskin

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1.
My self loathing has been getting the best of me It flares it's feathers when I get out of bed My yellow teeth tell tales as my limbs all convulse I speak in letters that you've never read And I'm a rough draft pre dating stereotypes You can tell by my mouth covered in blood not my own No that's for you and your clothes, And your ears and your nose Just breath me in and make me feel less alone I'm melting flesh off my arm Drowning in black matter snow I'm leeching onto warm bodies To make a friend of my own Cuz I'm so desperate and dumb So sorry you had to know The sun is shining to remind me I'm no more than a ghost A little illiteration to make me feel safe and sick Ugly Shakespearean lines remind me my time is shit I stacked my monuments high Until they crumbled to dust I hosted pity parties, swore my lungs succame to the rust I'm tripping on my two feet, swallowing shit without shame Don't need no fuckin God to tell me that I'm one in the same My sickness is gluttonous Painted in mildew and mold My apathy it tasted better Before I got so old I'm lost at sea on a ship, drowning in wave after wave In rural climates, city streets I'm overgrowth and decay I found the journals where I told you you're too good for myself The veins of my cigarette bleed through my sickness and health I hope I choke I hope I never wake up My skin is peeling back, my nerves frayed Fucking with my makeup My skirt is burning at the bottom, gender fucked, irritated My eyes shoot open for another to fight, i fuckin hate it I fuckin hate it I fucking hate it
2.
my 3 y/o nephew's favorite song is a song he wrote called, "Sometimes I'm Strawberry. Sometimes I'm Blue." I stole the name of this song from a 3 y/o. My brains have painted the front porch steps for years and years They match the red lights of the mailboxes and dirt for worms to live in And I'm tasteless as the friends I never talk to anymore Or maybe they don't talk to me cuz I'm a selfish bore My fingers are taped together and I'm walking with a limp I spit out rainbows from crooked teeth, sonnet from my busted lips And these bugs crawl around in circles seconds from beneath my shoes It's funny what we have in common, It's funny how we both were born to lose It's funny what we have in common It's funny how we both were born to lose Strangers tell me better news than I've ever heard in my life What a peaceful centerpiece on the cluttered table of my mind What a thoughtful fucking punchline, I'm the joke you'll never get Follow me, oh green messiah Follow me to hospital beds This isn't what I've whispered from this peak before, as I never am I used to be a painting, remembered frames, Fiddle between ghostly hands Now I'm self righteous and self important Self induced insomniac Watch me cry a fucking river Watch my guts spill from my laugh Watch me cry a fucking river Watch me have a heart attack I've never cried a fucking river And I'll survive this one I guess And I've been foaming from my yellow tongue Both bothersome and bold I've spun angels made of featherweight and dustbowls made of gold A thoughtful anecdote, a pity, and my fathers son am I It's funny how that could the last thought on my mind before I die It's funny how that could be the last thought on my mind before I die It's funny what we have in common It's funny how we're both born to lose.
3.
I am the drugs I wanted to be hooked on To boost my ever inferior chills I am all the medicines that you took to get happy The ones you craved against your will And whether I'm dead or dying, feeling alive or not I'll be my own fucking coffin There isn't a bone in my body that hasn't stressed enough How important it is to be forgotten With every groan and grunt, Mutter under breath I acted on in the morning wake They clapped their hands together, I felt tired and stupid, A feeling I'll forever chase like a faith The stumbled feet with shoelaces knotted can't get as far as I dream But I'll still keep on pretending I haven't noticed, Fuck, this is just what it seemed This is the worst one I've had in a while, With broken necks and feet nailed to the floor I've got a feeling somethings starting to sweat now, A fair view acre sized hole in the door I used to really be concerned with my sleeping I used to pray to gods every night I used to swallow my leaders like sugar pills I used to thank them all for every crime I wanted fret board placebo effect Now I'm just lucky if it rains here at all The sense of desperation dripping off my bed, Leaving sweat stains on the walls The target was the edge, till my feet felt the gravity I met myself as the mirror stared back The ugly truth I've hid in my head all these frost bitten years Turned my fingers to the knuckle black
4.
an autobiography. When your tears are pens ink and there's sand in your fist You've been romanticizing stories about the boys you could've kissed And when the only thing you know is that you hate to exist You know I always stop and wonder about the girl I could've been You know I always stop and wonder about the woman I could've been I sang to you through my blistered lungs I watched you cry, I sat pathetic and dumb I graced my own goodbyes with your signature, your stature I fled through crowds of bodied men Police, machine guns and tear gas cans I knew I'd make it out alive but I really didn't fucking wanna And the sonnets came too forced, when they came to me at all I found you too rough to the touch Your hair, grainy alcohol You found me dead enough as I was, Alone and ill prepared I was having too much fun those nights, sick, lonely and scared Cuz Jesus came to me today, around 1 in the afternoon He told me you're just too goddamn worthless to deserve to come out your cocoon I believed him when he told me, I shook his hole ridden hands I saw him shed no tears for me, never righteous, understand Newly rightful understatement And I saw your words, drawn paradise My own shrill voice, cacophony My rhythm and my movements fell out of step and out of line The time never accelerated, fuck off, bullshit overstatement I sat and watched my skin dry, drop like cigarette ashes to the floor Her footsteps followed through the trees I got cold to touches, on my knees I knew I'd get up some day but I really didn't fucking wanna So I maimed my face, I faced my fears, I bled my wounds, I aged my years I never once consented, my youth was taken nevertheless I felt pretentious, headless, out of frame A wandering bird, I swallowed names I begged for scraps to starve on Rewrote classics in my head And the devil came to me today, Around 9:30 at night He said I gave you all the songs you heard, you're gonna be alright I told him I simply couldn't believe him and I shook his knife like hands It's all alone I found myself at the whim of perfect pictures I couldn't force myself to understand I forced my own perspective It was mine to lose in the first place I knew I'd make it through that night But I really didn't fucking wanna

about

four songs that are kinda old-ish; like a few months. they're all about me being sad and shit. enjoy!

credits

released July 26, 2016

thanks tayler i love you. thanks cricket cave kids. thanks queer agenda kids. thanks all other huntington and charleston kids who came to shows. thanks friends i met on tour who still listen to my music. thanks everyone on the internet who has listened to my music and said nice things to me. thank you for listening.

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Seethruskin Charleston, West Virginia

☭acoustic emo☭

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