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Desolate, Desolate, Desolate / Skate Forever

by Seethruskin

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1.
The Freezers 02:47
MY HEAD HANGS HEAVY WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR GOD WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR MEDICINE OR OVERWHELMING MARTYRDOM YOU SEEK AND I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING BIBLE AND I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP I DON'T EVEN NEED ANYTHING FROM YOU Forge my ambitions in the skin Annihilate any chance I had of remembering my life before I began To read and write like all my heroes But they only existed on paper, What a ridiculous waste of effort My mental economy can't take it Cut my initials in the dirt With a pocket knife, made out of bones and tape and plywood Keep small talk to a minimum I don't much feel like talking, words become drops in a waterfall I'm an open book with words I stole I wasn't ever an ocean, but I knew the kid who was I wasn't ever the intrinsic complex of applause I never wrote you that letter, I've been an awful son of sons Swallow my words dry like bitter pills I encourage others to lead their lives in ways I never will It wasn't that I was ever lazy I just was void of empathy You always knew that didn't you Eradicate all fucking purpose I can't afford the weight it puts on my skin, always the coldest Always the emptily room, cigarette butts eat away my gums Till I'm a goddamn circus freak Feed me trash and point and laugh Enclosure dim, my eyes bloodshot I said I couldn't imagine life like that when its all I ever bought Smuggle me in your insides, I'll be cocooned and sound asleep It's all I've known, it's all I've known, it's all I've ever fuckin known
2.
heads up, theres a shitty guitar solo at the end I'm biting hard my bitter finger nails They splash their red into my mouth, staining my already yellowed teeth Each phrase, too amplified, Each praise, air tight concrete Enough to sink me deep into the pacific, content and sound asleep All i have left is concentrate All that I've known is in between a And any chance of survival, uprooted from the pavement under my feet Insert the obvious, Repetitive and stale, souring shit I am no Holy Ghost, no question asked, no answers left to give Could there be any other idol you've left to burn? Could it be that I'm over balanced, awake in a sound? Am I rewriting history, watching myself through memories For all I know, I've been dead since I met you I never got the chance to ask the mountains I disregarded them, painted them adjectives and aching punch lines I am the fucking satellite you never knew to orbit I'm not a goddamn animal, no pictures saved from childhood I used to think myself an artist Until I forgot how to speak Now I'm just lying among the flowers Insubordinate and incomplete Authority is out of the question Surfacing among the brim Please fucking tell me God is dead So I don't have to prove myself to him And whether sleep comes easy or I soak through my sheets With blood and guts pouring from inside of me I won't have learned my lesson, I won't have given in Fuck you and everything Else I can't stand
3.
I FEEL UGLY ON THE INSIDE I FEEL NERVOUS AND AFRAID I FEEL MY EYEBALLS TURN TO SEWAGE MY GUMS LEAK DOWN MY FACE I AM HER DAUGHTER'S BLACK REFLECTION THE SENSE OF DREAD, SPIT SHINED REGRET I HAVEN'T LIVED FOR FORTY YEARS IN GALLOWS, SHAMELESS RECOLLECT What's the point if all I'll know is these same old scares These haunts convert me into faith, Fill my tongue with prayers What's the point if I'll only know ambiguous treason My rooms a fucking mess, Getting out of bed would take a reason Maybe I can go away, Study medicine and paintings Become better than they thought I'd be When I wasn't so bad as I am Maybe I can slave away Work my fingers to coal and tendons Fire up the six string Devils Show the sorrow beyond my years I'm not an artist, please don't forgive me I just gave up when I was much younger than you I'm not a spectacle I'm a parasite, glowing, self loathing Unfriendly arms folded past due I never thought I'd be a waitress Until the hunger pains called my bed, in curling knots and teeth Digging deep into my spine My rotting Adam's apple met with infected fingers in 4/4 time It's about time I built myself up I got a long long fall from here It's about time I brushed dirt off again Don't ring your fuckin bell till I told you to I'm eating hand written letters Sent home from a million miles away Never taste the same as they used to Every shade of her lipsticks turned to gray I'm made up of grenades Cocktails fit different glasses shapes Unlike the free world I used to really be free UNLIKE THE FREE WORLD I USED TO REALLY BE FREE
4.
I needed the winter to wait till I was ready to face the cold again But it passed me by, keeping consistent my illusions She ends all conversations I'm glad that you don't hate me I wanted to say I don't, that I just don't have the energy I never found the room to breathe I lived underneath your floors Creeping quiet, ashamed and weak Occupying space, relating weeks to wars They make such beautiful portraits Ones the likes of which I never knew But I can't stand to look at them When every affirmation is the same blue These blistered hands remind me I'm so alone I'm so alone The twisted threads of my skin Unwind, create dizzy vertigo I bellowed all complaints, they named constraints I bored into their heads I'm sorry Madilyn, you're a waste of time, my uncertified unconsciousness And when piano keys ring deep And when there's garbage in your head I'll recognize who I am, but I won't remember your face longer than this And I'm so sorry for said complexions These are my table conversations At what point did I lose touch enough My eyes, turbines in constant rotation Pre-ripped tshirts made of pretentious boys and girls I relate to no one, songs and enclosed spaces All of the avenue I needed existed in the lines Painted neon on broken concrete I gazed on moons and beacons I laughed along when I was the joke There were no warning signs to show them, All that they knew was more so than I My muscles tighten, complexities unknown to humankind I betrayed shards of glass, so I expected when they robbed my vision blind So I'm apologies, appalled appearances and autonomy A savage cocktail I suppose, but what more could I have asked to keep I'm made anew by midnights ring A convalescent journey home A buried book composed of poems, you would have loved me if I wrote And when piano keys ring deep And when there's garbage in your head I'll recognize who I am, but I won't remember your face longer than this And I'm so sorry for said complexions These are my table conversations At what point did I lose touch enough My eyes, turbines in constant rotation
5.
I WHORE MYSELF I WHORE MY PAST I MET MYSELF BEHIND THE GLASS I GAVE IN TO THE SHAKY NIGHTS THE BATHROOM FLOORS AND BLURRY EYES THE SCARES I GOT FOR OVER A DOZEN DECADES I'm supplemental Encouraged to divide among atrocity I got the right six strings the right five fingers Keepsakes of arms detached from me I prayed to be otherworldly I prayed to nobody at all I called to tell her I wasn't ok, She said she thought I wouldn't make the fall I'm dying to breathe, please keep me safe, unsick uncertain Garbage floods my tongue and face My eyes are wide behind the curtain I'm restrained and peaceful I'm fucked, my face is wet and my feet are numb Any other day I'd tell my father But I couldn't fucking reach his phone I've been a mistake I've been a brother I've been a shitty fucking excuse for a friend But oh, bright eyes, loud spoken Do you know how I loved Do you know the way I ached I spoke your signals in the bathroom mirror nightly I showed your pictures to the town I never loitered in I became the papers, drifting through your window, messages pronounced Never tell me what I've said I'm easels erased Cutthroat to sounds of engines turning off I am the misplaced argument Never brought back up to leave room for air I'm no insight, I'm not an indecency But fuck if I don't feel like one sometimes
6.
I'M THE SUN! I'M THE SUN! PLEASE GOD BELIEVE ME I CAN'T FIND THE TIME TO DO IT! I NEED TO PASS THE RESPONSIBILITY! I'M THE MOON! I'M THE MOON! FALL ASLEEP ON MY CHEST! CARVE INTO CRESCENTS, I'LL BE MORE BEAUTIFUL I SWEAR! I'LL FORCE IT IF NEED BE! I'LL FORCE AN INCOMPLETE! I DON'T BELIEVE IN FINAL DRAFTS! JUST LIKE YOU DONT BELIEVE IN ME! I'M THE SKY! I'M THE SKY! I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE I'M THE MORNING, WHILE PITCH BLACK AND I'M IN LOVE! All I ever wanted was good coffee and good cigarettes playing acoustic songs with friends in a bedroom, a basement or a couch on a front porch I've been having these fantasies of me, playing a Fender screaming words I wrote earlier at another kid who's mad at life and pissed off at his government but instead i'm sleeping for fifteen hours I can't find it in myself to take a goddamn Prozac I feel these callouses scratching at my face As i think of how I could make these words paint a picture Some days I feel like a thief When my friends all think so high of me I had a smarter man than me say get used to letting them down And then he smiled and so did I, Cuz I knew the likes Some days I feel just like a martyr A throne made of tears shed for mischievous daughters Who lived their nights in fear, one in the same with my type They weren't anything special, I know the fucking likes I can puke my stomach inside out on the road I can follow your orders, make secrets my own I can eat all I can till there's none left to take None to hand out to those watched me steal from their plates I'm already damned downward I know this much true Cuz I bled from sweaty finger tips and yelled out my fuck you's Till all I knew was anger, void dishonesty And I may know the likes but the the likes don't know me And I may know the likes but the likes don't like me I can sleep fourteen hours Wake up, dream to die Eat, shower, repent, find my bed again, I Knew just what I could make of my life when I found It was bleaker than black, Horse shit found on the ground I'm not made up of much more than books on a shelf Ones I hadn't touched in years Like they'd touched me themselves I'm no good at innuendo No good at a lot Not even playing guitar All I know is to rot All I know is to write All I know is to bleed All I know is to let down Everyone who built me All I know is to fake it till the finally believe I won't die much too young, but shit I'll fucking dream I won't die much too young, but fuck please let me dream

about

i wrote the majority of this record in about a week, during which i was going through some pretty heavy shit.. its easily the most emo record i've ever made.. thanks for listening!

credits

released December 19, 2015

thank you tayler, for being cool and listening to these songs and watching me play them in both of our bedrooms... thanks paul for the hype and the art (a picture that tayler took at my last show, but paul added the words and the pentagrams) and thanks to my friends for listening to my demos and coming to my shows. and thank you for listening...

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Seethruskin Charleston, West Virginia

☭acoustic emo☭

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